My life is probably both better and worse than you think it is. I can’t put in to words how happy and energized I am at so many points throughout the day- my roommates honestly laugh and roll their eyes at my energy- but I also don’t really talk much about the stress and worry of my life either. I worry about my writing and my future and my finances and as much as I say that things will work out, I’m also really scared sometimes that they won’t.
My friend and I were talking the other day about the two dimensional views that we have of the people that we read about online, and my own friend, someone who I’ve known for years but who doesn’t live in my city and so who I don’t get a chance to talk to on a regular basis, was telling me about how she was inspired by my writing and felt like I had fully formed ideas on some of life’s big issues.
It was so interesting to talk to her about how she viewed my writing versus what was going on “behind the scenes.”
I told her that for every fully formed idea that I might write about on my blog or on social media, there are a thousand doubts or fears or contradictions running through my head on the same subject.
Don’t get me wrong, I mean what I write, but trust me that it’s not as black and white as it might seem. There are so many convoluted thoughts that I never give a voice to. You can think of my writing as a very distilled version of all of the things I think and feel.
Basically what I want to say is that just because I write about my life or my thoughts and feelings publicly, it does not by any means mean that I have anything figured out more than anyone else. It just means that for some reason I’ve chosen to put words to all of the chaos that we’re all experiencing. We’re all just living life and figuring it out as we go.
I used to hate it- the confusion and the not knowing. I’m starting (starting– read: not nearly entirely) to get that it’s actually kind of amazing to not know the answers. To experiment with life and figure it out as we go. Because how could it be any different? We aren’t born knowing how to live. We put ourselves out there, we experiment, and we do our best to explain our experiences and share them with others. We put words and explanations to things that are really beyond what our words can explain. It’s our attempt to make sense of things and to share and connect with others.
Any single thing that I write or say is just the tip of the iceberg. Beneath anything I write there is so much more joy and fear and understanding and confusion than I could ever put words to,
I hope you can connect to what I write. I hope it means somethething to you and ignites something in you that you may have not felt before. But more than anything, I hope that my words are just in the background of your own life. Because your thoughts and feelings are so much more valid to you than mine can ever be.
Let’s just live our own lives, experience our true selves, but let’s do it together. Because I think that’s what this is all about. Being ourselves and feeling our truth but yet being part of something bigger.
I know it’s so easy to put out a false persona online but I guess I didn’t really realize anyone actually felt this way about me. That I had some answers that they didn’t or that I had it more together or anything like that because trust me I don’t! I’m scared and worried and confused all the time!!
No one has a manual or any real clue as to how to live. We’re all just figuring it out as we go. All of us. I just happen to write about it.